The Fear

One year ago I was doing contract work at my old office, I was attending every teaching job fair I could find, emailing every principal, and hounding my own principal about hiring me as a teacher. I was about to go back to work as an aide. Then, on the day I went back, I was making copies for for the teacher I was an aide for (Sylvia), when someone’s contract fell through. The intercom beckoned me to the office and there sat the decision makers of my school along with my future team leader. They were offering the fourth grade. I was supposed to teach special ed or younger kids, I just knew it. I needed a job and I fearfully accepted. Petrified doesn’t begin describe my feelings. Would they listen to me? These 9/10 year olds? Would they care what I had to say? Would they learn anything from me? I couldn’t eat, my stomach hated me, and I was shaking the night before the first day of school.

Many things have changed in the past year. Growing into myself has been a long and steady process, but this past year, it sped up. I found an outlet for the person I am. I was able to turn to my support system and conquer my fear of failure. My love of people, reading, creating, and learning was put to good use. My mentor teacher, my teammates, the teacher I was an aide for, my mother, my boyfriend, my friends and my family all were there for me to sort out fear and help guide me. Learning, growing, and  making decisions have led me to now. I could not ask for a better life than the one I currently have. I have great love in my life.

Fear and anxiety have been slowly creeping up on me again. I invited myself to go with my mentor teacher (Lauren) and group of people from her church to Honduras. I had always assumed that I would have been on many great adventures before I reached my current age, but I have not. Tomorrow I leave for an adventure. My anxieties and fears seem trivial, first world problems as JMO has begun to say. What if I get car sick? What if they don’t have coffee? What if…. This will not be America, the place where broke means I don’t have money to take a vacation, broke doesn’t mean I can’t eat. I have spent a good deal of time reading about Honduras, reading the FAQs on the Mission Lazarus site, and looking at their postings on their blog. This month for my happiness project, I am keeping a prayer journal. Writing down my anxieties and asking God for guidance has truly helped me prepare for this journey. Gathering knowledge and addressing anxiety is the way to squash fears. So, as the fear is being squashed, there will be more room in my heart for the adventure and journey that awaits.

Photo from the Mission Lazarus Blog

One thought on “The Fear

  1. So excited to share this adventure with you! And I love your new heading picture. See you bright and early tomorrow… get excited!

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